Around the Bend

By

Colin Todhunter

Every time I take an overnight bus journey in India the roads are clogged with slow moving trucks. The bus driver has a strict schedule to follow. Slow moving trucks and break-neck speed buses do not mix. Whenever I get brave enough to look toward the front of a bus I am in, it is driving at speed and is less than a metre behind the truck in front so I try not to look. Then the bus makes a sudden jerk to the right with the aim of overtaking. It makes another quick jerk and this time to the left to pull back in as there is on-coming traffic. After a few on-coming vehicles pass, the driver pulls out once more and goes for it. There is more on-coming traffic. We are on the wrong side of the road and my heart is in my mouth. The bus driver has the horn blurting non-stop. The truck we are attempting to overtake slows so we may do so. We pull back in and miss the traffic coming our way by a whisker. And that is the scenario all through the night. No sleep is guaranteed for foreigners who arent used to the Indian system of driving.

Twelve hours of this can seem like a nightmare to the first time visitor. But its not all bad. Indeed travelling by bus can be an absolute blast because some light relief will be always be on offer. Sooner or later youll come across many weird and funny road signs. Travelling certainly broadens the mind, and travelling in India has definitely opened mine to the endless talent and wit available to the sign-writing business. Ive seen Hurry-Burry Spoils the Curry! in four-foot green and yellow letters. And who could fail to nod sagely at the following gem in white and red: Better to arrive 15 minutes late in this world than 15 minutes early in the next!?

The Leh-Srinagar Highway has a baffling array of signs, including This is a highway not a runway, Drive like hell and youll be there and Do not be rash and end in a crash. Pure poetry Im sure youll agree. But one of the best ones is the highly sensuous Be gentle on my curves. Come on, surely they are not really talking road safety are they?

The signs themselves may actually be more trouble than they are worth. Drivers who care to read them may end up in serious trouble, loosing control of the steering wheel as they reel in fits of laughter. As the hapless driver becomes gripped by uncontrolled laughing he plummets over the cliff edge and just before leaving the road he may glimpse the sign that reads Hospital ceiling are bored to look at.

Do sign writers spend hours thinking up these wonderful sayings? How about the brilliant play on words Mind your brakes or break your mind and the very catchy Dont dream or you will scream. Indian road signs are an endless source of fascination to foreigners travelling here. We are not really sure whether they are deliberately funny or are written and designed in some workshop by deadpan workers and bosses who fail to see the wit in their work.

But through the wit, a point is being made. Signs like Donate your blood at the blood bank, not on the highway can provide a stark reminder that India doesnt have the best road safety record in the world. Ive been on more than a few bus rides with first time visitors to India who see the signs, experience the driving, view the mangled trucks by the side of the road and turn green as they look to me and ask if its safe to travel by bus in India.

The weird and whacky world of signs is not only restricted to India however. Someone recently brought my attention to one of my all time favourite signs, which wasnt a road sign but happened to be on a fish tank containing exotic specimens: Some kind of fish from the Red Sea the sign proudly proclaimed. It was in the Alexandria Aquarium in Egypt. They obviously research their specimens thoroughly. I wondered whether the sign outside said Aquarium or merely Some kind of place that keeps fish in tanks. Others highlight the glaringly obvious like the Australian one that stated Caution water on road during rain and others border on crass stupidity Blind persons cross here.

Northern India has the best road signs anywhere in the world and one thing is for sure, they certainly provide much needed light relief during the ubiquitous long haul, twisting, jolting bus journey. The klaxon may be a constant deafening sound throughout the night and after twelve hours you may be forgiven for believing that you have embarked upon the bus ride from hell. Then just at the moment when all seems lost, a passing headlight may catch the sign that says On this corner please get horny. At that point a smile will play on the lips and the preceding twelve hour grind will have somehow seemed all worthwhile.

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This article originally appeared in The Sunday Express.

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